Social graces never go out of style
By Rebecca Black
ShareWhen it comes to planning a wedding, etiquette can seem like a complicated dance. If you move too quickly in one direction without knowing the steps, you may pound on your partner's toes or even trip.
Here are a few questions from brides and parents of brides that may be on your mind, too, as you plan your big day:
Question: My daughter is getting married soon. Our family will be taking a trip to her destination site as a vacation-wedding for one week. Will I need to pay for the groom or should the groom's parents pay for his travel, hotel stay and vacation package?
Answer: Parents are no longer financially responsible for their children's weddings. Children are better-educated and more self-sufficient than in the past. So the couple should be paying for themselves. Anything you choose to give them is a gift. After all, if they are grown up enough to marry, shouldn't they be able to pay for it? He should pay his own way.
Q: We are getting married this year. We were discussing the father-daughter dance and the mother-son dance. My fiancé suggested that, halfway through our dance with our parents, we need to switch and I (should) dance with my father-in-law and he with his mother-in-law. I have a special song picked out for my father, and I would want this special time with him. Is there an alternative that would work so we each can dance with our new father-in-law and mother-in-law?
A: Typically, you would do exactly what your groom suggests. However, you could ask your disc jockey to mix another song into your chosen song as a signal to change partners. He or she should be able to do this easily.
Q: If you're invited to a wedding shower and you bring a gift for the couple, are you obligated to bring another gift for the couple when attending the wedding? I suppose I always thought that you brought a gift to the wedding if you didn't attend the shower.
A: This is another reason so many brides are opting for the giftless shower, because the shower is increasingly viewed as a ploy to receive two wedding gifts. But if you attend the shower you are expected to give a shower gift. If attending the wedding, you are expected to ship a gift to their home before or directly after the wedding. The gift doesn't have to be expensive.
Q: I am having a very small wedding, fewer than 30 guests - just immediate and close family and a few friends. What is the etiquette for throwing a bridal shower? I feel bad if people are attending a shower when they are not invited to my wedding. Should I leave this up to the individuals to decide?
A: Only those invited to the wedding may be invited to a shower, but not all wedding guests should be invited. With a wedding this small, it is probably best to skip (the shower). With so few attending, inviting them to a wedding and a shower is as if you are asking for two wedding gifts. The guest list would essentially be the same for both events - a no-no. You shouldn't be hosting or requesting a shower anyway.
Q: I am planning a 2 p.m. wedding, and I'm wondering what etiquette says about what type of food to serve. Is it considered close to lunchtime or will finger foods suffice?
A: Hosts always provide food and beverages that their guests would expect at the time of day chosen for the event. So finger foods will be fine. This is an in-between-meals reception, so your guests shouldn't expect a full meal.
Rebecca Black is an etiquette consultant and image coach and is the founder and principal of Davis-based Etiquette Now. Go online at www.etiquettenow.com.